Trail-Stop One: Buckingham Palace.
Prince William is a rescue helicopter pilot, is inheriting billions of dollars worth of land and palaces with views and grounds which are not accessible to even the other richest people on the planet because their families haven't been the richest people on the planet for the past thousand years, going to be the king of England, and it's an international achievement when he gets his hot wife knocked up. But what he is not, thanks to the Magna Carta, is the boss of us.
So start this day on the grass by the lake of St. James's park, and sit in the royals' front yard and now you're off to doing London better than they can do London because can you imagine the swarm if they tried to step out to this their front porch.
But if standing out front of Buckingham Palace, which is one of, as Neil Gaiman describes them, remarkably unpalatial palaces, while listening to a military band playing pop tunes on the side of a gate through which you will never step, is not the reason you came to England, then give a quick solute to the little balcony where Prince William and Kate stood and kissed and then head to the Ritz london which is the hight of class and luxury, but unlike the palace, to you it is livable and lovely and waiting.
Trail-Stop Two : Tea at the Ritz
If you're looking at the balcony of Buckingham Palace, head right, or north, for Green Park. Stroll Green Park as you will, always heading north for as long as you want to stroll in this royal park which the royals are too famous to enjoy, until you reach Piccadilly Street, then take a right and where the park ends, or at about Piccadilly and Berkeley, is the Ritz London.
Tea at the Palm Court of the Ritz needs a reservation and it is a bit on the expensive side, but sometimes, or I should say onetimes, once in a lifetime opportunities present themselves and tea at the Ritz is one of those opportunities. So for about a hundred bucks you can live like a royal and be treated like one by a waiter who knows this is a special occasion and that this is a moment you're making to look back on for the rest of your life.
Besides, I've designed the rest of the day to be cheap and instead of spending a hundred bucks on a few forgettable meals spend a hundred bucks on one of real life English magic and be a royal for the day at tea. It's one of those special places in the world and what would you pay for a memory that will last you the rest of your life?
So at the Ritz they do require a tie and a jacket for boys and no jeans for boys or girls. You might be thinking, I'll have to wear that all day but what I think you mean to be thinking is that I get to dress like Dean Martin in London and let me tell you one bit of advice and if you don't believe anything else I say I hope you remember this. If you want to be mistaken for a local, wherever you are in this world, wear a tie. And otherwise, dress as nicely as you can, and when I say as you can, I mean without looking stupid. Think about it. Nothing says I'm not out to lunch or at this park as a tourist but as a local taking a break than a loose tie or nice clothing.
Trail-Stop Three: Wallace Collection.
From out-royaling the royals with palms and splendor at the Ritz, now it's time to really out do them by doing precisely what it is that they within their palace walls can never have: to live London with Londoners on one of London's high streets, the kind of street where locals shop and work and do their day-to-days. So out of the ritz, and be sure to get a picture of you casually walking with one hand in your pocket beneath the Club Ritz sign as if no big deal, take a right out of the doors of the Ritz to head east on Piccaddily, and then a left on Old Bond Street and like Gollum said go up up up Old Bond Street which becomes New Bond Street, and then take a left on Oxford street, which is cool because it's famous too and if it's your thing then Selfridges is also on this street but if you keep going after a left on Oxford after a minute or two take a right on James Street, which becomes Mandeville Pl, which becomes Thayer Street (which, really, is Marylebone High Street). It's about about thirty minutes average, depending if you stop anywhere, and first up on the Living London in a way the stuck behind their palace walls royals can't is the Wallace Collection.
The Wallace Collection is an uncrowded, lovely museum that's one of my favorites in Europe and with some of the baddest dudes of art history.
Like Titian. Yeah. Titian. Yes there are two Titians there and some Rembrandts and other masters of equal stature in the rooms of this (speaking of royals) old mansion that used to belong to Queen Jane Seymor's nephew.
Maybe that's why King Henry VIII liked her best of all. Shoot if I married anyone who had a nephew with a free uncrowded museum with bad boy Titian on display, she'd be my favorite wife, too. It's no big deal. Just walking a high street of London like a local and stoping in for an art collection that would have left Renoir weeping. Like I said, no big deal.
Trail-Stop Four: Daunt Books.
Out of the Wallace Collection keep heading north along Thayer (which becomes and really is Marylebone High Street for our purposes and now you've got a decision to make. Is it park weather or is it not. If it is, from here on out do things as if you were picking things up for a picnic at Regent's Park which is at the end of our high street. If it isn't park weather, then just hang out and don't worry about taking anything with you as you leave. Fair enough? I think so because it's London and part of the charm is that you just never really know what kind of weather it's going to offer as a guide because in Europe the weather is always your number one guide. Then on your left after Moxon Street will be and I don't really believe in playing favorites but this is one of my favorite book stores in the world because it is a bookstore of the world.
I can imagine the look on the Knights Templar when after crusading to find the Holy Grail they returned home and took off their armor and went to Marylebone High Street for an evening with the kids and came to Daunt Books and said, "Oh, there it is. Didn’t even have to put on my chainmail."
For the three levels of this Holy Grail of books are not categorized alphabetically by author nor by title nor by fiction but by continent and by country. The bookmongers here are experts and let's say that after England you're heading to Austria so go to the Austrian section on the European floor. All books with Austria as a subject or setting or author's home country or anything else that has to with Austria are yodeling from this shelf to take them on to Austria or wherever you're going next.
You're probably thinking it sure would take me a while to find a book in a temple like that but first of all that's best case scenario to spend all day here and that's the way I travel so if you want to then stay here all evening, but they also have experts to pick out selections for you and they're maybe the best part of this place and they've never missed yet. Also, that's what the stained glass window is for. It takes requests and then will shine the sun on whichever book is your next reading destiny.
Trail-Stop Five: La Fromagerie.
Now for food. So out of Daunt Books take a right and head south a few steps to Moxon Street and then take a right and on your right will be La Fromagerie.
When you used to think of cheese you used to think of France, but after La Fromagerie you'll find yourself confused.
These guys here are expert cheesemongers and what I do is let an expert be an expert and tell them that you're going for a picnic at Regent's Park and that you need some cheese and jam and crackers and some wine that would go well with their selection.
It's a lot of fun to go into their walk-in fridge and talk England and talk cheese which, at this place, are the same thing.
Trail-Stop Six: Pierre Marcolini.
So like I said this is a high street which means this is where the locals go for the business of getting on with their business so if at any point you spot anywhere you would rather do then follow rule number one and do it. But I take a left back onto Marylebone and stop a minute later at Pierre Marcolini on the east side of the street because I know it's London but they also say London is the second biggest city in France and it's cool to walk into a place in London and say bonjour and pick up some eclairs for a park. Split your eclair selection evenly between savory and chocolate. That way you don't have to spend the rest of the evening trying to decide, and Regent's Park is just a few steps away.
Trail-Stop Seven: Cath Kidston.
From Pierre Marcolini take a right back onto Marylebone High Street and head north with your book and cheese and wine and desserts and if you need a blanket then Cath Kidston is a store a minute or two up on your right and I got a blanket here last time which now serves as the official picnic blanket, signed regularly by all those who live our moments with us in the parks of Europe. I don't own to the idea of souvenirs because I would rather bring back a moment but anyway this is the kind of souvenir that you can actually live with while over there and then come back and live with back home with picnics and sparkling rose and and sparkling memories.
Trail-Stop Eight: Regents Park.
It might be raining because after all it's London and if it is raining well then I can't imagine a better evening in London than living it with Daunt Books, but if it isn't raining then I can't imagine a better evening in London than here at my favorite London park. Besides we're beating royals at their own game and the name of these lawns is Regent's and also this is where Pongo played matchmaker and knocked everyone into the water while filming 101 Dalmatians.
From wherever you are on Marylebone High Street head north for a few minutes, and then when you hit Marylebone Rd take a left and then after a minute or two or maybe less you'll come to York Gate on your right. From here wave to all the lollipops standing in line at madame tussauds (is there a synonym for lollipop?) and then take a right on York Gate and then another few steps and you're into Regent's Park.
Once in Regent's Park just take York Gate which essentially becomes York Bridge and cross the fairy tale pond until you hit Inner Circle. I like to take Inner Circle to the left and then a moment or two later there is the Regent's Bar and Kitchen which has drinks and food and most importantly a bathroom and if you forgot anything like water they'll have it here and then I just set up picnic shop somewhere on the grass. It's easy access to the bathroom with the wine and besides I've done enough walking for the day. By all means, however, keep taking Inner Circle around it's, well, circle and you'll find all sorts of goodies like an open air theatre which was playing Shakespeare when I was there last and then of course there is a zoo here and a lake and then keep heading northwest on the park and there is Primrose Hill which has a view of London. And if you want to come back to Regents Park tomorrow then come back to Regents Park tomorrow and spend all day here. There are many ways to beat the royals at their own game but it's hard to beat beating them than ending it at a sprawling park named after them but which they can't really use and in which Captain Barbosa overstepped his bounds with Collin Firth in the movie The King's Speech because overstepping your boundaries with the royals is just what you do on a day like this one.